Pet Rabbit
Product review: pet rabbit. First off, let me state that I love bunnies. Probably in an unhealthy way. Someday I will be like one of those crazy cat ladies you hear about on the news, who died three weeks ago and whose body was found in squalor, half eaten by her 35 cats. Except I'll be with bunnies, and they will not have eaten me, but will have chewed all my clothes and hair, and pooped all over me. Actually, my life is kind of like that now.
We might as well start there. These things poop. A LOT. I mean, they poop more than you did in your early 20’s, when your diet consisted of binge drinking, Taco Bell, Toaster Strudels, and coffee. In fact, 75% of a rabbits life is spent eating and pooping. Pooping and eating. Eating while pooping. Kind of like you did when you lived alone, before a spouse or roommate or societal convention shamed you into not eating on the toilet. No? Just me? Oh well.
Included in that 75% is chewing. It's like eating, but instead of swallowing what they masticate, they just spit it out and keep chewing. They will chew anything they can reach, especially if it's something you like. It's like they're mocking you, or they're a jealous boyfriend or girlfriend, destroying anything that brings you pleasure because it isn't them. Shoes, clothes, furniture, walls, carpets… you name it, my rabbit has chewed it.
So far it might seem like rabbits have only downsides, but that's not true. I think. They may or may not love you. It's hard to tell, because most of the times that you think they are really into you, they are just manipulating you into giving them treats. Again, they are like a borderline abusive romantic partner. You keep telling yourself you love them, but sometimes late at night you wonder if you've made a huge mistake, and maybe you should have just gotten a dog. Like that horrible partner who walks all over you, they are insanely cute, and can turn on the charm like flipping a switch. Puppy dog eyes have nothing on a begging rabbit. They stand on their hind feet, with their little paws together, like a Dickensian orphan, begging for gruel. They know how to fake remorse, too. And you will fall for it, and the moment you do, they will laugh in your face for being so gullible. Screw you, they can too laugh at you mockingly! I've seen it.
If you decide to get a rabbit, you need to have a good self image, or at least be oblivious to how horrible you are as a human being. Rabbits seem to be judging you constantly. You will often look up to see them staring at you, a disapproving scowl on their face. When they aren't judging you, they will ignore you most of the time. Even when they do decide to come be with you, you will find that you can do nothing right. Everything about a rabbits demeanor is telling you that you're not doing it right. No matter what it is. Sometimes they are pissed off while you are petting them, and will just leave in a huff. They have this thing they do where they flick their hind feet at you as they leave, just to make sure you know how badly you fucked up for simply loving them. It's as if you were getting intimate with your lover, and they just got out of bed and stormed off, giving you the finger the whole time. Also, that's a metaphor. Do not get intimate with your rabbit.
So to sum up, rabbits are high maintenance, expensive pets, who treat you badly most of the time, and I can't stress this enough, you can't get intimate with them. Still, like that bad boyfriend or girlfriend, you'll find that you love them and can't live without them, and you would do anything for them, if only they would just love you and treat you nice. Which they won't.
Unlike that bad partner though, you can lock them in their cage when they misbehave. Okay, maybe some of you do something like that to your partners, I don't know. I'm not judging. Be forewarned though: if you do put them in time out, they will hate you even more, and they have long memories and are vindictive. The good news is, you won't really notice them being vindictive, because it just blends in with their normal shitty behavior. At least they're consistent.
We might as well start there. These things poop. A LOT. I mean, they poop more than you did in your early 20’s, when your diet consisted of binge drinking, Taco Bell, Toaster Strudels, and coffee. In fact, 75% of a rabbits life is spent eating and pooping. Pooping and eating. Eating while pooping. Kind of like you did when you lived alone, before a spouse or roommate or societal convention shamed you into not eating on the toilet. No? Just me? Oh well.
Included in that 75% is chewing. It's like eating, but instead of swallowing what they masticate, they just spit it out and keep chewing. They will chew anything they can reach, especially if it's something you like. It's like they're mocking you, or they're a jealous boyfriend or girlfriend, destroying anything that brings you pleasure because it isn't them. Shoes, clothes, furniture, walls, carpets… you name it, my rabbit has chewed it.
So far it might seem like rabbits have only downsides, but that's not true. I think. They may or may not love you. It's hard to tell, because most of the times that you think they are really into you, they are just manipulating you into giving them treats. Again, they are like a borderline abusive romantic partner. You keep telling yourself you love them, but sometimes late at night you wonder if you've made a huge mistake, and maybe you should have just gotten a dog. Like that horrible partner who walks all over you, they are insanely cute, and can turn on the charm like flipping a switch. Puppy dog eyes have nothing on a begging rabbit. They stand on their hind feet, with their little paws together, like a Dickensian orphan, begging for gruel. They know how to fake remorse, too. And you will fall for it, and the moment you do, they will laugh in your face for being so gullible. Screw you, they can too laugh at you mockingly! I've seen it.
If you decide to get a rabbit, you need to have a good self image, or at least be oblivious to how horrible you are as a human being. Rabbits seem to be judging you constantly. You will often look up to see them staring at you, a disapproving scowl on their face. When they aren't judging you, they will ignore you most of the time. Even when they do decide to come be with you, you will find that you can do nothing right. Everything about a rabbits demeanor is telling you that you're not doing it right. No matter what it is. Sometimes they are pissed off while you are petting them, and will just leave in a huff. They have this thing they do where they flick their hind feet at you as they leave, just to make sure you know how badly you fucked up for simply loving them. It's as if you were getting intimate with your lover, and they just got out of bed and stormed off, giving you the finger the whole time. Also, that's a metaphor. Do not get intimate with your rabbit.
So to sum up, rabbits are high maintenance, expensive pets, who treat you badly most of the time, and I can't stress this enough, you can't get intimate with them. Still, like that bad boyfriend or girlfriend, you'll find that you love them and can't live without them, and you would do anything for them, if only they would just love you and treat you nice. Which they won't.
Unlike that bad partner though, you can lock them in their cage when they misbehave. Okay, maybe some of you do something like that to your partners, I don't know. I'm not judging. Be forewarned though: if you do put them in time out, they will hate you even more, and they have long memories and are vindictive. The good news is, you won't really notice them being vindictive, because it just blends in with their normal shitty behavior. At least they're consistent.
Comments
Post a Comment