Naps
Product review: naps
Let’s start off by saying that pretty much all sleep is good. Yes, there are night terrors and sleepwalking and waking up with acid reflux in the middle of the night afraid you're having a heart attack, or actually waking up having a heart attack, but none of those is really sleep's fault. Sleep provides a lot of benefits, and is a vital function for a lot of things that keep us healthy and alive. Whatever. Let’s be real, its most important function is to take up a third of our day so we can escape the anxiety and tedium and general waking terror of life.
Of course, some people will tell you that's depression talking, but who needs that kind of negativity in your life? Maybe you're the one depressing everyone, mister!
Sleep is good, that’s not in question, but a lot of people seem to be obsessed with it. They freak out if they can’t fall asleep right away, they get neurotic if they don’t get exactly 8 hours, they whine and complain because aliens probe them in their sleep. I only wish aliens would show up and poke and prod me, I am that desperate for any kind of contact, human or otherwise. Me being awake seems to be a hindrance to dating and romance anyway, so I’ll have to take what I can get.
So yeah, there are some things you can find that are less than stellar about sleeping at night, but you don’t really have those kinds of problems where naps are involved. You never see vague Facebook posts at two in the afternoon from people complaining about insomnia because they can’t fall asleep after eating two-thirds of a pan pizza, or sleeping off a lunch hour drunk. Naps are like a little magic respite from the real world. They exist because you truly are tired, and because you just don’t want to be awake in this horrid existence a second longer. You don’t care about the dirty dishes, your friends will figure out that you really didn’t want to go that movie anyway, the cat can always just eat of the trash if she’s that hungry. Naps are a sweet escape that costs nothing, takes no effort, and you can do alone, three of the best benefits anything can offer. Sure, couples will sometimes nap together, but usually one of them will use it as an excuse to try to have sex, and that is not what napping is about at all. No one wants groggy sex.
Naps are the best kind of sleep because they're unregulated. No one tells you when it's time to nap, unless you're a three-year-old child, or someone in a really weird, controlling relationship. This leads to one of the only bad aspects of napping, waking up with no idea at all what time, or even what day it is. It’s disorienting and a little scary because you don’t know if you’re late for work or late for bed. If you wake up because someone is calling you or knocking at your door, you might really hit panic mode. Is something wrong that someone is calling in the middle of the night? Is your house on fire? Has the Trump administration finally achieved their dream goal and gotten stormtroopers that will kick your door in at 2am?
But no, it’s just 9:30 in the evening, and now your plans are all shot and you missed Dancing With The Stars, so you might as well not even get up. Ironically, though, unless you’re just a sad, lonely man who sleeps on your couch every night(Don’t judge the way I live!), you will have to actually get up to go to bed. This is the worst oxymoron in the world, and one of the trickiest maneuvers to pull off.
You will usually have to go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, walk to the bedroom, get undressed, all while trying not to wake yourself up too much. God forbid if you have pets or children, then you’re doomed. No, you will now find yourself too awake to fall asleep, and in a few hours, after watching TV, eating junk food, and reading a book you only read when you can’t fall asleep, you will find yourself posting about your insomnia to your Facebook friends, who have also completely fucked up their entire week with their own irresponsible napping.
You have to nap responsibly. Napping is like drugs or alcohol. You have to do it in moderation, and only when the time is right. Just like you can’t get blackout drunk or nod off from heroin use when you are supposed to be taking your kids to soccer practice, you also can’t just go to sleep and have them hitchhike to the soccer field. If you have stuff you need to do before bed, or you have to be up early and refreshed, you can’t start messing around with your circadian rhythm like a kid at their first sleepover.
Mess it all up one night, and the rest of the week, your brain is trying to keep track of how much sleep you need to make up to have it all even out again. This is impossible. There is no known formula to calculate how much sleep you need to make things right again. From here on out you will always be getting too little or too much sleep to be any good to anyone. MIT has had whole departments dedicated to it for decades, and they are no closer to figuring it out. That’s why when Thursday night comes, you say the hell with it, and go out and stay up as late as you want drinking, because the week is shot.
That is what the weekends are for. It’s like a two day reset. It doesn’t matter what time you go to bed, or what time you get up, or indeed how many naps you take. If you’re single and apathetic, you can actually just nap the entire two days. As long as you get to bed at a half decent time on Sunday night so you can start the whole crazy cycle all over again.
Damn, writing this took a lot out of me, I think I need a nap…
Admit it, that’s exactly how you thought this was going to end, isn’t it? No, that is a cheap and lazy way out, and besides, I am writing this while I should be working, so I can’t nap, even if I wanted to. Lousy, uncomfortable office chairs. But boy, do I want to. Nothing makes you want to nap more than 2pm. 2pm on a rainy day? Forget about it, you might as well just lie down right now and stop fighting.
Now, the rest of the day will be spent thinking about a nap. Just like a junkie, I will tell myself that I am not going to nap when I get home from work, and just like a junkie, I will do it anyway. So if you see me during the week, and I look like I’m not getting enough sleep, or like I’m getting too much sleep, just ignore it, and try me again on Monday. Unless I’m napping, then text me, and maybe I’ll call you when I wake up.
Let’s start off by saying that pretty much all sleep is good. Yes, there are night terrors and sleepwalking and waking up with acid reflux in the middle of the night afraid you're having a heart attack, or actually waking up having a heart attack, but none of those is really sleep's fault. Sleep provides a lot of benefits, and is a vital function for a lot of things that keep us healthy and alive. Whatever. Let’s be real, its most important function is to take up a third of our day so we can escape the anxiety and tedium and general waking terror of life.
Of course, some people will tell you that's depression talking, but who needs that kind of negativity in your life? Maybe you're the one depressing everyone, mister!
Sleep is good, that’s not in question, but a lot of people seem to be obsessed with it. They freak out if they can’t fall asleep right away, they get neurotic if they don’t get exactly 8 hours, they whine and complain because aliens probe them in their sleep. I only wish aliens would show up and poke and prod me, I am that desperate for any kind of contact, human or otherwise. Me being awake seems to be a hindrance to dating and romance anyway, so I’ll have to take what I can get.
So yeah, there are some things you can find that are less than stellar about sleeping at night, but you don’t really have those kinds of problems where naps are involved. You never see vague Facebook posts at two in the afternoon from people complaining about insomnia because they can’t fall asleep after eating two-thirds of a pan pizza, or sleeping off a lunch hour drunk. Naps are like a little magic respite from the real world. They exist because you truly are tired, and because you just don’t want to be awake in this horrid existence a second longer. You don’t care about the dirty dishes, your friends will figure out that you really didn’t want to go that movie anyway, the cat can always just eat of the trash if she’s that hungry. Naps are a sweet escape that costs nothing, takes no effort, and you can do alone, three of the best benefits anything can offer. Sure, couples will sometimes nap together, but usually one of them will use it as an excuse to try to have sex, and that is not what napping is about at all. No one wants groggy sex.
Naps are the best kind of sleep because they're unregulated. No one tells you when it's time to nap, unless you're a three-year-old child, or someone in a really weird, controlling relationship. This leads to one of the only bad aspects of napping, waking up with no idea at all what time, or even what day it is. It’s disorienting and a little scary because you don’t know if you’re late for work or late for bed. If you wake up because someone is calling you or knocking at your door, you might really hit panic mode. Is something wrong that someone is calling in the middle of the night? Is your house on fire? Has the Trump administration finally achieved their dream goal and gotten stormtroopers that will kick your door in at 2am?
But no, it’s just 9:30 in the evening, and now your plans are all shot and you missed Dancing With The Stars, so you might as well not even get up. Ironically, though, unless you’re just a sad, lonely man who sleeps on your couch every night(Don’t judge the way I live!), you will have to actually get up to go to bed. This is the worst oxymoron in the world, and one of the trickiest maneuvers to pull off.
You will usually have to go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, walk to the bedroom, get undressed, all while trying not to wake yourself up too much. God forbid if you have pets or children, then you’re doomed. No, you will now find yourself too awake to fall asleep, and in a few hours, after watching TV, eating junk food, and reading a book you only read when you can’t fall asleep, you will find yourself posting about your insomnia to your Facebook friends, who have also completely fucked up their entire week with their own irresponsible napping.
You have to nap responsibly. Napping is like drugs or alcohol. You have to do it in moderation, and only when the time is right. Just like you can’t get blackout drunk or nod off from heroin use when you are supposed to be taking your kids to soccer practice, you also can’t just go to sleep and have them hitchhike to the soccer field. If you have stuff you need to do before bed, or you have to be up early and refreshed, you can’t start messing around with your circadian rhythm like a kid at their first sleepover.
Mess it all up one night, and the rest of the week, your brain is trying to keep track of how much sleep you need to make up to have it all even out again. This is impossible. There is no known formula to calculate how much sleep you need to make things right again. From here on out you will always be getting too little or too much sleep to be any good to anyone. MIT has had whole departments dedicated to it for decades, and they are no closer to figuring it out. That’s why when Thursday night comes, you say the hell with it, and go out and stay up as late as you want drinking, because the week is shot.
That is what the weekends are for. It’s like a two day reset. It doesn’t matter what time you go to bed, or what time you get up, or indeed how many naps you take. If you’re single and apathetic, you can actually just nap the entire two days. As long as you get to bed at a half decent time on Sunday night so you can start the whole crazy cycle all over again.
Damn, writing this took a lot out of me, I think I need a nap…
Admit it, that’s exactly how you thought this was going to end, isn’t it? No, that is a cheap and lazy way out, and besides, I am writing this while I should be working, so I can’t nap, even if I wanted to. Lousy, uncomfortable office chairs. But boy, do I want to. Nothing makes you want to nap more than 2pm. 2pm on a rainy day? Forget about it, you might as well just lie down right now and stop fighting.
Now, the rest of the day will be spent thinking about a nap. Just like a junkie, I will tell myself that I am not going to nap when I get home from work, and just like a junkie, I will do it anyway. So if you see me during the week, and I look like I’m not getting enough sleep, or like I’m getting too much sleep, just ignore it, and try me again on Monday. Unless I’m napping, then text me, and maybe I’ll call you when I wake up.
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