Blue Diamond Gourmet Almonds
Product review: Blue Diamond Gourmet Almonds. Nuts are different than when I was a kid. A few decades ago, nuts were things people put out in bowls, and there were accompanying utensils to crack them open and pick the meat out. If you wanted an almond, you had to position it carefully in a hinged nut cracker, hope you didn’t destroy the nut or your fingers in the process, and make a mess. Same with all of them. Pecans, walnuts, hazelnuts, and the really annoying and forgotten nut, the brazil nut. Brazil nuts were the worst. Besides the fact that some people had a really racist and derogatory nickname for them, they were hell to crack open, and frankly, not worth the trouble.
Cashews? Forget about it. Cashews used to be in the upper tier of nuts. You mostly got them when it was time for a fancy party to impress your friends. In fact, they were included in Planters Deluxe Mixed nuts, because sophistication in those days meant buying a can of nuts that had already been shelled. There were even cocktail peanuts, which made shelled peanuts sound classy for poor people who couldn’t afford those high society nuts. It’s telling that Planters still sells cocktail peanuts, but they are basically the same as their regular jars of peanuts. Apparently some people still need to feel they are sophisticated when they eat peanuts. Forget about macadamia nuts. Growing up, I don’t think any kids I ever knew had even heard of a macadamia nut. Those were for the 1%.
Pistachio nuts were different, too. They came with their shells dyed red, and your fingers would get food dye on them, and it looked like you just came from doing some weird, minimally invasive surgery. They apparently dyed them red to make them more appealing. In those days, if you actually saw a pistachio in its natural state, you would hurl them away in disgust and start praying. These days, they don’t bother with dyeing pistachio nuts, and no one has a problem with them. Have our sensibilities changed that much? Pistachio nuts are still mostly sold with the shells on. It’s part of the whole process of eating them, kind of like the whole ritual of doing cocaine. Rolling the bill, crushing and chopping out lines. It makes sense, because pistachios are probably more addictive than cocaine, to be honest. They still haven’t figured out a way to get all the shells open though. You still get about 5% of them were the shell is closed tight. You can put them aside for later, when you are all out of easily accessible pistachios, and you turn to them in desperation, like a coke fiend searching the rug for crumbs. Again with the cocaine analogies. I might have a problem.
Of course, nowadays we all take shelled nuts for granted, even the fancy ones. I can’t remember the last time I saw a bowl of nuts sitting out in someone’s living room, let alone had to crack open an almond. Now they even make milk out of almonds, and when I get to the point of self loathing necessary to try almond milk I will do a review of that, right before killing myself. Now we buy our nuts already shelled, and coated with things like chocolate, Sriracha, BBQ, or wasabi, just to name a few. They even have apple and cherry pie flavored almonds. It’s madness!
They have even tried to market nuts as a healthy alternative to other snacks. Planters calls one line of nuts NUT-rition, with the word “nut” in all caps, lest you’re too stupid to get it. They package them in different mixes, like Energy mix, Heart Healthy Mix, or Men’s Health Mix. So I’m supposed to believe that the right kind of nut mixture will help my cardiovascular system, or help me maintain erections? I assume every time I see the words “men’s health” that it’s code for something dick related. Point is, they are just nuts, people, and they certainly aren’t any healthier if you are somehow making them cherry pie flavored!
Which brings us to the nuts I have pictured here. They are marketed as “gourmet”, crafted and artisanal and such shit. They have gone the shelling process one further, these even have the skins peeled off. This is the equivalent of ancient Romans having their slaves peeling grapes for them. Of course you’re paying more for all this “crafting”. These nuts are a dollar or two more for a lesser amount of nuts then for ones that aren’t as finely crafted. Who needs gourmet nuts anyway?
I suppose it’s always been a generational thing. People fondly talk about days of yore, of roasting chestnuts. I don’t know anyone who roasts chestnuts anymore. I used to find chestnuts on the street, and throw them at Tom Healy. I never once thought about roasting one and eating it. Just like I never thought about crafting almonds all those years ago when I was breaking their shells all over the living room floor. Part of me wants to yell about how out of hand things have gotten, and be that old guy complaining about his nuts. Yes, there it is. You’ve been waiting patiently for the testicle joke, and I didn’t want to disappoint you.
So I bought them because I had a coupon for 1.50 off a bag, and they were on sale, so it was cheaper to buy them then the regular ones. The sad thing is, while I was fully prepared to eat them in protest and disgust, I ended up really liking them. The cocaine metaphor rears its head again, because this is how they hook you. Give you your first taste for free or a discount, then get you addicted. In this case, I think it worked. How can I go back to eating regular almonds with the skins on them, completely uncrafted, like a filthy peasant?
I don’t think that I can. Whenever I wander down the snack aisle and go to buy a pack of regular almonds, these artisanal beauties will be staring at me, mocking me and my plebeian nuts. So I guess I have to actually recommend these things, even though every part of me wants to rail against them. I guess if you’re going to be putting nuts in your mouth, you might as well put in the best. That one was a bonus.
Cashews? Forget about it. Cashews used to be in the upper tier of nuts. You mostly got them when it was time for a fancy party to impress your friends. In fact, they were included in Planters Deluxe Mixed nuts, because sophistication in those days meant buying a can of nuts that had already been shelled. There were even cocktail peanuts, which made shelled peanuts sound classy for poor people who couldn’t afford those high society nuts. It’s telling that Planters still sells cocktail peanuts, but they are basically the same as their regular jars of peanuts. Apparently some people still need to feel they are sophisticated when they eat peanuts. Forget about macadamia nuts. Growing up, I don’t think any kids I ever knew had even heard of a macadamia nut. Those were for the 1%.
Pistachio nuts were different, too. They came with their shells dyed red, and your fingers would get food dye on them, and it looked like you just came from doing some weird, minimally invasive surgery. They apparently dyed them red to make them more appealing. In those days, if you actually saw a pistachio in its natural state, you would hurl them away in disgust and start praying. These days, they don’t bother with dyeing pistachio nuts, and no one has a problem with them. Have our sensibilities changed that much? Pistachio nuts are still mostly sold with the shells on. It’s part of the whole process of eating them, kind of like the whole ritual of doing cocaine. Rolling the bill, crushing and chopping out lines. It makes sense, because pistachios are probably more addictive than cocaine, to be honest. They still haven’t figured out a way to get all the shells open though. You still get about 5% of them were the shell is closed tight. You can put them aside for later, when you are all out of easily accessible pistachios, and you turn to them in desperation, like a coke fiend searching the rug for crumbs. Again with the cocaine analogies. I might have a problem.
Of course, nowadays we all take shelled nuts for granted, even the fancy ones. I can’t remember the last time I saw a bowl of nuts sitting out in someone’s living room, let alone had to crack open an almond. Now they even make milk out of almonds, and when I get to the point of self loathing necessary to try almond milk I will do a review of that, right before killing myself. Now we buy our nuts already shelled, and coated with things like chocolate, Sriracha, BBQ, or wasabi, just to name a few. They even have apple and cherry pie flavored almonds. It’s madness!
They have even tried to market nuts as a healthy alternative to other snacks. Planters calls one line of nuts NUT-rition, with the word “nut” in all caps, lest you’re too stupid to get it. They package them in different mixes, like Energy mix, Heart Healthy Mix, or Men’s Health Mix. So I’m supposed to believe that the right kind of nut mixture will help my cardiovascular system, or help me maintain erections? I assume every time I see the words “men’s health” that it’s code for something dick related. Point is, they are just nuts, people, and they certainly aren’t any healthier if you are somehow making them cherry pie flavored!
Which brings us to the nuts I have pictured here. They are marketed as “gourmet”, crafted and artisanal and such shit. They have gone the shelling process one further, these even have the skins peeled off. This is the equivalent of ancient Romans having their slaves peeling grapes for them. Of course you’re paying more for all this “crafting”. These nuts are a dollar or two more for a lesser amount of nuts then for ones that aren’t as finely crafted. Who needs gourmet nuts anyway?
I suppose it’s always been a generational thing. People fondly talk about days of yore, of roasting chestnuts. I don’t know anyone who roasts chestnuts anymore. I used to find chestnuts on the street, and throw them at Tom Healy. I never once thought about roasting one and eating it. Just like I never thought about crafting almonds all those years ago when I was breaking their shells all over the living room floor. Part of me wants to yell about how out of hand things have gotten, and be that old guy complaining about his nuts. Yes, there it is. You’ve been waiting patiently for the testicle joke, and I didn’t want to disappoint you.
So I bought them because I had a coupon for 1.50 off a bag, and they were on sale, so it was cheaper to buy them then the regular ones. The sad thing is, while I was fully prepared to eat them in protest and disgust, I ended up really liking them. The cocaine metaphor rears its head again, because this is how they hook you. Give you your first taste for free or a discount, then get you addicted. In this case, I think it worked. How can I go back to eating regular almonds with the skins on them, completely uncrafted, like a filthy peasant?
I don’t think that I can. Whenever I wander down the snack aisle and go to buy a pack of regular almonds, these artisanal beauties will be staring at me, mocking me and my plebeian nuts. So I guess I have to actually recommend these things, even though every part of me wants to rail against them. I guess if you’re going to be putting nuts in your mouth, you might as well put in the best. That one was a bonus.
Comments
Post a Comment