Fireworks
Product review: Big assortment of fireworks. First off, let me just say, I loves to blow shit up! Nothing better than spending the two weeks before and the two months after the 4th of July making stuff explode at 1am on a work night. Now, thanks to America and FREEDOM, everybody can buy all kinds of stuff that explodes and makes noise. Yeeeehaaawwww, it’s good to be an American! Nothing says “making America great again” like blowing a little bit of it up!
Now I know there are people out there that don’t like fireworks. They complain because their pets get upset, or because some veterans have PTSD or whatever, but screw them! The founding fathers didn’t invent fireworks on the 4th of July just so snowflakes could complain about the noise. That noise is the sound of freedom! It is the sound of liberty! You didn’t hear our ancestors complain about the noise when we fought back the Canadians in the war of 1812! Besides, if you’re a veteran, shouldn’t you be used to explosions? I like war heroes that weren’t captured, or traumatized by their service. Now I can’t blow shit up because you might be affected? How inconsiderate are these entitled soldiers?
No, there is nothing better than a big shrink wrapped box of things that go boom. Not to mention the pretty lights. I don’t know about you, but shiny things just seem to capture my attention. I just kind of stare at them, and my jaw goes slack. Sure, you can just go see professional fireworks displays that are much bigger and awe inspiring, but where’s the chance of blowing your fingers off, or setting fire to your shed?
That reminds me of the time cousin Merle got drunk, and held onto an quarter stick a little too long. Dang, if that wasn’t funny. They ended up sewing some toes on where his fingers used to be. It can be a little off-putting to look at, but you get used to it. He gets disability, but it’s nice to see it going to a real American, and not some lazy minority or immigrant what ain’t done nothing to deserve it.
This particular assortment is really cool, because the fireworks that come with it have cool names like “Hammer Down”, “Power Force”, and “Heavy Metal”! Some people might say that those names are meant to appeal to 8 year old boys, but they just don’t know about awesome shit! I don’t know about the ones called “Pirate Queen”. I mean, pirates are cool, but do we really need women pirates? Women are better off being like that big breasted zombie chick. Is it right that a green chick kind of turns me on? Well, she is a zombie, so I guess I’ll just treat her the way I treat anything that turns me on in an uncomfortable manner, and try to kill it.
One thing I can’t stress enough though. There is a warning label on these things, warning that they shoot flaming balls. Pay attention to that! Last year, one of these Roman candle type things got me square in the nutsack. My balls were flaming for a good minute or two until I made it down to the lake and doused them!
In conclusion, I would give this assortment of fireworks 5 “FUCK YEAHS!” out of 5, and if you don’t like it, why don’t you just move to Russia, you commie! Although, I think we like Russia now. It’s all so confusing, that’s why I just like to blow shit up and not think about it.
Now I know there are people out there that don’t like fireworks. They complain because their pets get upset, or because some veterans have PTSD or whatever, but screw them! The founding fathers didn’t invent fireworks on the 4th of July just so snowflakes could complain about the noise. That noise is the sound of freedom! It is the sound of liberty! You didn’t hear our ancestors complain about the noise when we fought back the Canadians in the war of 1812! Besides, if you’re a veteran, shouldn’t you be used to explosions? I like war heroes that weren’t captured, or traumatized by their service. Now I can’t blow shit up because you might be affected? How inconsiderate are these entitled soldiers?
No, there is nothing better than a big shrink wrapped box of things that go boom. Not to mention the pretty lights. I don’t know about you, but shiny things just seem to capture my attention. I just kind of stare at them, and my jaw goes slack. Sure, you can just go see professional fireworks displays that are much bigger and awe inspiring, but where’s the chance of blowing your fingers off, or setting fire to your shed?
That reminds me of the time cousin Merle got drunk, and held onto an quarter stick a little too long. Dang, if that wasn’t funny. They ended up sewing some toes on where his fingers used to be. It can be a little off-putting to look at, but you get used to it. He gets disability, but it’s nice to see it going to a real American, and not some lazy minority or immigrant what ain’t done nothing to deserve it.
This particular assortment is really cool, because the fireworks that come with it have cool names like “Hammer Down”, “Power Force”, and “Heavy Metal”! Some people might say that those names are meant to appeal to 8 year old boys, but they just don’t know about awesome shit! I don’t know about the ones called “Pirate Queen”. I mean, pirates are cool, but do we really need women pirates? Women are better off being like that big breasted zombie chick. Is it right that a green chick kind of turns me on? Well, she is a zombie, so I guess I’ll just treat her the way I treat anything that turns me on in an uncomfortable manner, and try to kill it.
One thing I can’t stress enough though. There is a warning label on these things, warning that they shoot flaming balls. Pay attention to that! Last year, one of these Roman candle type things got me square in the nutsack. My balls were flaming for a good minute or two until I made it down to the lake and doused them!
In conclusion, I would give this assortment of fireworks 5 “FUCK YEAHS!” out of 5, and if you don’t like it, why don’t you just move to Russia, you commie! Although, I think we like Russia now. It’s all so confusing, that’s why I just like to blow shit up and not think about it.
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