Fruit Of The Loom Underwear

Product review: Fruit Of The Loom underwear. First off, let’s get something out of the way right now. “Fruit Of The Loom” is a pretty fucking grandiose name for underwear. Everything about that name has always just sounded bad. The word “fruit” used in conjunction with anything that spends a lot of its time encasing your genitals just rubs me the wrong way. Not to mention the fact that “loom” and “loins” are a little too similar. And no, I’m not repressed in any way, Sigmund Freud. The whole name just sounds creepy and overblown; in an old timey way, but not in a good old timey way. More like in a double-entendre laden title of a weird Victorian sex novel. There used to be a pile of fruit on the label, and I’m not comfortable with pictures of fruit in my underwear. Not to mention, they had a big ad campaign where the fruit was played by actors in fruit costumes on tv. I really don’t need to put a human face on my underwear fruit. Everything about this company is just wrong.
Now to the underwear itself. I wear briefs, but the only picture for this review I could find was of the hideous boxer/brief abominations that are apparently so popular these days. It’s hard to even find just briefs these days. Make up your fucking minds! Boxers and briefs are two very different articles of clothing. Combining them just negates some features while adding nothing. I don’t even understand boxers. Why wear underwear at all? I want some support. I want something to come between my testicles and my legs at some point. Boxers are just like putting a thin coat of primer on the insides of your pants. Boxer briefs are the snugness of briefs without any of the support benefits, and the extra material of boxers with none of the freedom. Just go around wearing spandex bicycle shorts if that’s what you’re looking for. *NOTE* do not go around wearing spandex bicycle shorts. You will look ridiculous. 
While we’re at it, why do they even bother with the dick hole aspect of underwear anymore? What guy over the age of 6 is still going to the bathroom and struggling to get his penis out of that annoying little flap? Pull the waistband down and pee over the top, like a man. 
The difference between men’s underwear and women’s underwear is huge. Women’s underwear comes in all kinds of styles, with cute and sexy things printed on it. Men’s underwear comes in utilitarian multi-packs, in a few basic colors. Women actually coordinate their underwear with their outfits, and depending on what mood they are in and what they have planned for the night. Men only have a couple of categories of underwear: Comfortable, reasonably new and clean underwear; uncomfortable but endurable underwear for when all the comfortable underwear is dirty; old ratty underwear that should have been thrown out long ago but is still wearable when your comfortable and uncomfortable underwear is dirty; dirty comfortable underwear that isn’t too dirty and you can wear again after the uncomfortable and worn out underwear is too dirty to wear anymore.
Men are horrible and disgusting.
Ultimately though, there really is no reason to be reviewing any underwear. Men know what they like, and most of them don’t really care enough to read an underwear review. In fact the only reason I even took the time to review it is because now Fruit Of The Loom got rid of the tags in their underwear, and uses printed labels inside the underwear itself. That’s all well and good, until you’re pulling your pants up and catch a glimpse of black ink inside your briefs and for a brief second panic because you think you shit yourself, not to mention might have blood in your stool. Not cool, Fruit Of The Loom. Not cool.