Hawaiian Punch Drink Mix

Product Review: I like to spice up my water by adding chemicals to it. I know, I live on the wild side. I have a plethora of powdered drink mixes too. Propel, Orange Crush, some generic store brands, and also Hawaiian Punch. I'm not even going to get into the bogus claims about the Hawaiian heritage of their fruit punch, we don't want to open that can of worms. It is the biggest scandal since Eskimo Pies. 
Anywho, I figured I would try out some different flavors, and was intrigued by this "Polar Blast" variation. Well, let me tell you, it was no colder or polarish than any other drink mix. In fact, it tastes pretty much the same as the regular fruit punch flavor, the only difference being that it is blue instead of red. 
So let's just see what we're dealing with here. Fruit punch, falsely claiming to be Hawaiian, and somehow purporting to be even more amazing by invoking some vague "polar" properties. Make up your fucking mind. Is the punch better because it's Hawaiian or polar? I mean, you couldn't get more opposite. Also, shouldn't the culturally insensitive Hawaiian guy be snowboarding or something? Just what kids demographic are they trying to appeal to with some cartoon Hawaiian guy? Do kids today think Hawaiian native guys are cool? Do kids today even use the word cool? Am I that out of touch; have I gotten that old? 
Surely I'm too old to be drinking Hawaiian Punch. What am I, ten years old? Shouldn't I be drinking some trendy adult beverages by now? I should probably be at Starbucks, drinking some iced caramel macchiato, with no cartoon natives on the cup at all. No wonder no women want to go out with me. I don't know what I've done with my life. I need to go do some self examination. So in closing, get this Polar Blast shit if you're looking to jump start an existential crisis, or just have blue colored fruit punch. I don't care, I have more important stuff to think about now.

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