McDonald's Filet-o-fish Meal
Product review: McDonald’s filet-o-fish meal. I have gone to eat lunch at McDonald’s a few times in the last couple of months, and each time it has been a chore. Not eating the food, although that too felt like a chore at times. Before we begin, though, can we look at the name “filet-o-fish”? What’s with the “o” in the middle? Is it supposed to be quaint, or old timey sounding? Are we supposed to feel like we are magically transported to a James Joyce novel the moment we bite into one? Is it perhaps reminiscent of whalers or pirates, or other seagoing fellows? Regardless, who talks or writes like that in the last century, besides James Joyce? I don’t even know if James Joyce writes like that, being that the only book I ever tried to read by him was Finnegans Wake, and just wait until you read my product review of that mess. I just wanted something that sounded Irish, and the only book I really read by an Irish author was Angela’s Ashes, but I’m trying to keep this thing lighthearted, okay. But there is very little that is lighthearted about the Irish, so I assume McDonald’s wasn’t really trying to go that route.
Anywho, let’s just forget about the illiterate and misguided name. In fact, forget about the meal for now, while I attempt to tell you about my horrible McDonald’s drive thru experiences. There are two McDonald’s near work, one in Pennsburg, and one in Quakertown, which will hence be referred to as McD’s 1 and McD’s 2, respectively. Last month, I went to McD’s 1, and I was informed that they were out of fish. Well. I had to then travel to McD’s 2 to get my fish meal(I refuse to keep calling it a filet-o-fish. Fuck you, old timey Irish pirate whalers.), and luckily they were not out of fish. I also ordered a couple of chocolate chip cookies, because I am afraid that just the fish sandwich and fries won’t kill me fast enough. When I got to the window, I was informed that I could either wait a few minutes for the cookies to finish baking, or just take a couple of apple pies instead. I took the apple pies, as I am a very busy man and this was already my second attempt to get a horrible meal I would regret eating.
I would like to take a moment to do a mini review within a review regarding McDonald’s apple pies. When I was younger, they were called hot apple pies, and that was accurate because they would burn all the skin off the inside of your mouth when you tried to eat them. They were also deep fried, which really isn’t the way you are supposed to cook an apple pie, but you didn’t care about the burns or the 500 extra calories or the cholesterol because … well, because nothing tastes better than small doses of the thing that is going to kill you. Somewhere along the way, McDonald’s changed the apple pie. It went to being baked, and not all that hot, and not all that deadly, I guess. The thing is, all the other food is just as bad as it ever was. If you’re only going to change one unhealthy thing, why bother, and why, oh why change that little scalding grease bomb that everyone loved so much? If you’re eating at McDonald’s, a fucking pie isn’t your biggest concern.
So anyway, the next time I went to McDonald’s (McD’s 2), I got the same news at the drive thru window, I would have to wait for the cookies. They must have known that they had given me the apple pie choice last time, and how disappointed I must have been, because they didn’t even give me the choice, they just told me to go wait in the reserved parking space and someone would bring it out to me. I’m sorry, but that defeats the whole purpose of going through the drive thru. If I wanted to sit in my car and have people bring me food, I would go to Arnold’s with Ralph and Potsie. In fact, they gave up on that pretty quick on Happy Days, didn’t they? After a few shows, everyone was eating inside, and Fonzie was beating on jukeboxes and having incestious makeout sessions with twins and triplets.
The third time I went to McD’s 1, and was informed that they were out of coke. Coca-Cola, to be exact. I don’t want anyone thinking I went to McDonald’s to buy drugs. That’s what Burger King is for. So how the hell does McDonald’s run out of coke? I ended up having to get root beer, which again is something I would expect to have to drink at Arnold’s with Ralph and Potsie, while Fonzie hung out in the bathroom combing his hair. Have you ever seen any of those articles about how much fecal matter gets on your toothbrush? Fonzie’s hair must have been disgusting!
Today, I was in Quakertown, so I went to McD’s 2. I was informed at the drive thru that their card reader was broken, so they were only accepting cash. I did not have cash on me, so it was off to McD’s 1 for me. I’m not used to so many things being sold out or not ready, or not working at McDonald’s. Okay, sure the McFlurry machine is always out of order, but that’s to be expected. Pulling up to the speaker at McDonald’s and ordering ice cream is a weird experience. It’s like going to a casino. You tentatively order a cone or a McFlurry, almost afraid of the crushing answer and the realization that you are going to have to go somewhere and get out of your car to get real ice cream. You cross your fingers and close your eyes and wish and hope as much as you can. The rare surprise that they can actually sell you ice cream, and you should pull ahead is life affirming, like maybe things are going to finally start going your way. Of course, a couple of minutes later you actually get the ice cream and you realize how foolish you were to ever think such a thing.
So I arrived at McD’s 1, ordered my meal, and was pleasantly surprised that they had everything and could I please pull around. Finally, things were working out! That was until I got back to work and discovered whatever was in my cup was not Coke. It tasted like a cross between diet Dr Pepper and tonic water. I don’t know if the Coke dispenser was broken, or if that’s what diet Dr Pepper really tastes like. Both of those things seemed plausible. So I had to throw my drink away, and have Hawaiian Punch instead, and you already know my feelings on that.
As far as the meal goes, the fish was dry, the fries were a little cold, and the Coke was Hawaiian Punch. I only ate it less than an hour ago, and already my stomach is bothering me and I am filled with self loathing and regret. I think I’ll go to Burger King and get some drugs.
Anywho, let’s just forget about the illiterate and misguided name. In fact, forget about the meal for now, while I attempt to tell you about my horrible McDonald’s drive thru experiences. There are two McDonald’s near work, one in Pennsburg, and one in Quakertown, which will hence be referred to as McD’s 1 and McD’s 2, respectively. Last month, I went to McD’s 1, and I was informed that they were out of fish. Well. I had to then travel to McD’s 2 to get my fish meal(I refuse to keep calling it a filet-o-fish. Fuck you, old timey Irish pirate whalers.), and luckily they were not out of fish. I also ordered a couple of chocolate chip cookies, because I am afraid that just the fish sandwich and fries won’t kill me fast enough. When I got to the window, I was informed that I could either wait a few minutes for the cookies to finish baking, or just take a couple of apple pies instead. I took the apple pies, as I am a very busy man and this was already my second attempt to get a horrible meal I would regret eating.
I would like to take a moment to do a mini review within a review regarding McDonald’s apple pies. When I was younger, they were called hot apple pies, and that was accurate because they would burn all the skin off the inside of your mouth when you tried to eat them. They were also deep fried, which really isn’t the way you are supposed to cook an apple pie, but you didn’t care about the burns or the 500 extra calories or the cholesterol because … well, because nothing tastes better than small doses of the thing that is going to kill you. Somewhere along the way, McDonald’s changed the apple pie. It went to being baked, and not all that hot, and not all that deadly, I guess. The thing is, all the other food is just as bad as it ever was. If you’re only going to change one unhealthy thing, why bother, and why, oh why change that little scalding grease bomb that everyone loved so much? If you’re eating at McDonald’s, a fucking pie isn’t your biggest concern.
So anyway, the next time I went to McDonald’s (McD’s 2), I got the same news at the drive thru window, I would have to wait for the cookies. They must have known that they had given me the apple pie choice last time, and how disappointed I must have been, because they didn’t even give me the choice, they just told me to go wait in the reserved parking space and someone would bring it out to me. I’m sorry, but that defeats the whole purpose of going through the drive thru. If I wanted to sit in my car and have people bring me food, I would go to Arnold’s with Ralph and Potsie. In fact, they gave up on that pretty quick on Happy Days, didn’t they? After a few shows, everyone was eating inside, and Fonzie was beating on jukeboxes and having incestious makeout sessions with twins and triplets.
The third time I went to McD’s 1, and was informed that they were out of coke. Coca-Cola, to be exact. I don’t want anyone thinking I went to McDonald’s to buy drugs. That’s what Burger King is for. So how the hell does McDonald’s run out of coke? I ended up having to get root beer, which again is something I would expect to have to drink at Arnold’s with Ralph and Potsie, while Fonzie hung out in the bathroom combing his hair. Have you ever seen any of those articles about how much fecal matter gets on your toothbrush? Fonzie’s hair must have been disgusting!
Today, I was in Quakertown, so I went to McD’s 2. I was informed at the drive thru that their card reader was broken, so they were only accepting cash. I did not have cash on me, so it was off to McD’s 1 for me. I’m not used to so many things being sold out or not ready, or not working at McDonald’s. Okay, sure the McFlurry machine is always out of order, but that’s to be expected. Pulling up to the speaker at McDonald’s and ordering ice cream is a weird experience. It’s like going to a casino. You tentatively order a cone or a McFlurry, almost afraid of the crushing answer and the realization that you are going to have to go somewhere and get out of your car to get real ice cream. You cross your fingers and close your eyes and wish and hope as much as you can. The rare surprise that they can actually sell you ice cream, and you should pull ahead is life affirming, like maybe things are going to finally start going your way. Of course, a couple of minutes later you actually get the ice cream and you realize how foolish you were to ever think such a thing.
So I arrived at McD’s 1, ordered my meal, and was pleasantly surprised that they had everything and could I please pull around. Finally, things were working out! That was until I got back to work and discovered whatever was in my cup was not Coke. It tasted like a cross between diet Dr Pepper and tonic water. I don’t know if the Coke dispenser was broken, or if that’s what diet Dr Pepper really tastes like. Both of those things seemed plausible. So I had to throw my drink away, and have Hawaiian Punch instead, and you already know my feelings on that.
As far as the meal goes, the fish was dry, the fries were a little cold, and the Coke was Hawaiian Punch. I only ate it less than an hour ago, and already my stomach is bothering me and I am filled with self loathing and regret. I think I’ll go to Burger King and get some drugs.
Comments
Post a Comment