Facebook

Facebook is the world's biggest social media site, mostly because it's pretty much legally mandated that you be there. It's hard to even navigate the internet these days without having to link your Facebook account to everything you do, and thank God for that, or you wouldn't feel all the love you get when 50 friends a day send you game invites!

Facebook has approximately 76 trillion users. You might think that's impossible, based on world population totals, but it's accurate. When you consider that most people have 5 different fake accounts to spy on exes, people they've blocked, stalkers, general psychos they know, groups they are no longer part of(wink wink), or just to use to link to games so they don't spam their real friends with game invites. Poor, lonely friends.
Of course, there's also the accounts people make for their pets, the fake accounts to scam people or advertise sex cams, the cloned accounts, the temporary accounts made while their main accounts were suspended for violations to community standards, the troll accounts, the Russian bots, and the multiple accounts that paranoid schizophrenics or meth heads keep making because they forget their password or email address they used or think someone is after them on their last account.
When you crunch the numbers, it turns out that there are only about 75 real people on Facebook at any given time, and half of them have been dead for a few years.
But oh, the people who are on there. Let me preface this by explaining that I have made a lot of really great friends over the years on Facebook, and most of the people on my list are really cool and decent human beings. A lot of people on Facebook are the same, just normal folks, trying to get by and look at pictures of cats while posting silly nihilistic memes non-ironically and hoping people don’t notice. Then there are a whole lot of other people who make biannual friend list purges mandatory.
Facebook is governed by all kinds of algorithms, which is to say it’s run by weird and scary computer programs that we call algorithms even though we only have a vague concept of what that word even means, but it makes us feel smart. These algorithms can give your posts lots of exposure, and pop up in all your friends feeds and make you feel really good about yourself with all the reactions and comments you get. They can also hide your posts from everyone, and make you feel like a bigger loser and failure than you normally do, and it’s all just random. Facebook can be like a shot of endorphins and a punch in the balls, within minutes of each other. It is a great place to be creative and engaging and have no one care even a little bit.
Back to the people. There are angry people, people who have no comprehension skills or context, people who PM you five minutes after sending you a friend request, probably to send you dick pic, people who hijack your posts or seem to monitor your activity and show up seconds after every post to critique you, or the absolute worst kind of person, one who adds you to group chats.
Most people have no clue about social media etiquette. Social media etiquette is easily boiled down to “leave me the fuck alone, don’t tag me, figure out that I am most likely on social media because I am an introvert to begin with and don’t want to engage you.” Many people who bug you on social media are the same types who show up at your door unannounced or reply to texts with phone calls.
The other social media faux pas is when it comes to sharing and liking. If you are going to share someone’s post, like it first. Likes and shares are the lifeblood and commodity of Facebook, especially if someone is trying to network their art or livelihood or cause, yet most people hoard their likes as if they are costing them money. They are too cool to participate, and they think that their approval of a video of a dog humping a cat or a picture of someone’s shitty kelp salad is a special and important responsibility. Get over yourselves and toss some love around.
Facebook has also given a bunch of shitty human beings a platform to throw their shitty views and opinions around. Idiots who can’t even attend social functions because they don’t know how to act in polite society can now yell at the world instead of just yelling at their TV and complaining to their pets. Facts don’t matter to them, no conspiracy theory seems too crazy, and their view is absolute and non-negotiable, whoever screams the loudest wins. One of the greatest joys Facebook has brought to our lives is having idiots condescendingly explaining concepts to you that they don't understand.
Even the good things Facebook does is annoying. Now everyone uses their birthdays to try to get people to donate to their causes, which is nice, but seems intrusive and like it puts you on the spot. While it might indeed raise some money for good causes, it also makes you feel like shit about yourself because you can’t afford to just give money every day to whatever charity it is someone is sponsoring for their birthday. While it is perfectly understandable that you can’t donate to all of them, it still feels like a fuck you to your friend, and the poor suffering Croatian orphans and their cleft palates.
Facebook Messenger makes it possible for people you would never give your phone number to call you anyway! Nothing clenches your bowels like that weird, unfamiliar grating ringtone and someone’s Facebook profile pic popping up on your phone. I’m a guy and it’s annoying, I can only imagine what it’s like for women on Facebook. Drunk guys calling with the verbal equivalent to a dick pic. Social media is all about connections, so thanks for connecting me to a bunch of people whom I purposely made it impossible for them to contact me!
One of the most disturbing aspects of Facebook is their targeted ads. Now, I can understand how posting about something on Facebook will result in targeted advertising there. It just makes sense. Facebook is basically an information gathering app. People get so mad whenever Facebook changes something or does something they don’t like, and they complain about how it seems like it doesn’t care about it’s customers. What they don’t realize is that they are in fact the product and advertisers are the actual customers. That’s why you should probably avoid any quizzes or things where you have to enter the last four digits of your phone number or birthday, because that is all just things scammers use to get your personal info and help guess your passwords. Is it really worth risking that to find out what potato you are most like or what kind of sandwich you are?
The targeted ads start getting scary when you text or email someone about something and it shows up minutes later in an ad on Facebook. It shouldn’t startle you that much, though, because if you actually read a little bit of the agreement you sign for “free” texting and emailing services, you will see that it tells you that they will be scanning all your messages for keywords to distribute to their “partners”. It’s even scarier when you are talking to someone on the phone and something you said pops up in an ad. Even that isn’t as disturbing as when you are talking to someone in person and your phone is in your pocket, and still the thing you were just talking about pops up seconds later. Big Brother is listening, but it turns out he’s not interested in a totalitarian dystopian nightmare, he mostly wants you to buy cheap t-shirts and subscribe to some toilet paper delivery service.
Facebook also allows you to discover that a lot of the people you know are kind, thoughtful people with a great sense of humor and many varied interests. It also allows you to discover that a lot of the people you know are humorless morons who can’t form a coherent sentence, and even when they realize it, they can’t figure out the edit button and have to add another typo filled comment correcting the typos in the first one. In fact, if you focus on it, Facebook will allow you to find something to hate in just about everyone you’ve ever known. It’s not really fair, because it’s not a realistic portrait of who someone is most of the time. People have their good and bad, just like you, and if you can’t accept that, you are going to be a very lonely person, even more lonely than you are now, you social media addicted loser! It’s best to remember that everyone is someone else’s idiot, and there are plenty of people who think you’re a moron at least once a day.
In many ways, Facebook should be a great humbler, but I am underestimating most people’s narcissistic egomania. In fact, I almost hesitated writing this next section, but I am pretty confident most people will just laugh and think Oh, he isn’t talking about me. I’m totally not, btw, I’m talking about that other person we both know, you know the one. PM me later.
Still, most people on Facebook can be lumped into certain groups, whether that’s right or wrong. I’m not talking about millenials and boomers, or Republicans or Democrats. I’m talking about how people utilize Facebook and come across, whether they know it or not.
There are dozens of categories and subcategories of Facebook users, so let’s examine a few.

Abe Simpsons
These are the “You kids get off of my lawn” grumps that think that everything today is garbage, millenials are ruining the world, and no one has made a decent song since 1979, besides maybe the Foo Fighters. They think it’s horrible that kids aren’t getting beaten by their parents anymore, and that minorities, women and gays seem to feel that they need civil rights or something. They aren’t racist, but … they are totally racist. They live in nostalgia, and pine for the days when Archie Bunker could say the N word on television. They are completely out of touch and proud of it.

Jims and Jimmettes
“Jims and Jimmettes” is the term young people have for old people(over 70, 60, 50, 40, 30,or 16, depending on your age group) who are confused by modern technology and the internet, have outdated opinions or views, or just have trouble ordering at a drive thru. Jims and Jimmettes are everywhere, and chances are you are probably one of them. For instance, if you don’t know what JJ’s are, you are one already, and there is no hope for you. Even most people who call other people JJ’s are themselves JJ’s to anyone even a few years younger than them. Just like racists often don’t realize that they are racist, JJ’s have no clue how sad and inept they really are.
You can see them wording their comments like they are writing letters, complete with salutations and a “love, mom” at the end. They will often talk to fan pages or groups like they are addressing whatever celebrity the page is about, and speak directly to an Andy Griffith tribute page and tell him how much they love Matlock, even though it’s not Andy’s page and he’s been dead for seven years. They are also sharing all kinds of useless warnings about new species of spiders that shoot poison and legal notices about your Facebook pictures.
They will post memes and articles directly in conflict with their own views because they don’t really grasp how any of it works or understand subversion or satire. They will ask questions that they should be googling for answers, and write embarrassing personal stuff because they don’t know the difference between texting and Facebook.

Trolls
Trolls just want to see the world burn. Trolls are not the same as people who just like to bust balls or be smartasses. Being funny and irreverent is much different than being a troll. Trolls are just angry and mean, and must spend a lot of time convincing themselves that they aren’t. It’s amazing that a lot of people, especially liberals, who have grown up getting bullied and picked on, still haven’t figured out that bullies and trolls crave attention. They don’t really care about any of the positions they take or the garbage they spew, they simply live for your reaction, and people are so happy to react. They never learn that you can’t win a debate when the other person isn’t debating.
You should just ignore them, and let them wither and die, just like our president. But no, people will engage and legitimize and encourage them, just look at any post from CNN. It could be a fluff piece about kid who collected soda cans for veterans, and by the third comment a troll will have shown up to talk about MS-13, pizza parlor pedophile rings and Killary, and someone will quickly take the bait.  Who is taking the bait? Why, it’s …

Social Justice Warriors
Let me start off by saying that I think that the whole SJW thing gets thrown around way too much. Most of the time it’s being applied to people who are rightfully offended by horrible things. That said, we all know some people who really take it to extremes. They are just lying in wait, looking for anything to get upset about, whether they actually know what they are talking about or not. They have no use for context or humor, they just want to point out how horrible you are, and not in the way you’re used to when your mother or spouse does it. Trolls still outnumber SJW by a huge margin though, so all you Abe Simpsons and trolls shouldn’t go getting all excited and start with the snowflake and libtard talk. You’re the bigger problem, and I would be happy to debate it with you, but… well, you know, you read the previous paragraph. Of course, chances are you didn’t really understand it.

Andy Warhols
There are some people who think that they are celebrities or famous because they have a Facebook page. They think people are hanging on their every word, waiting impatiently for their take on the world or what they had for breakfast. My personal favorite is when they post something that sounds like a press release after any tragedy. “My heart goes out to the victims of the Peruvian landslide and my thoughts are with the surviving villagers toiling in the sweatshops that made the Old Navy shorts I’m wearing right now.” No one involved is seeing your narcissistic post. And that’s all it is, narcissism, inserting yourself into someone else’s misfortune to say “look at me!” when honestly most people do not want to look at you. That’s why they are on Facebook to begin with, and not at your weekly book club or game night drinking subpar margaritas with you.
A subcategory of the Warhols is the Vague Posters. They just assume you know all the details of their lives and understand their weird half-formed posts. Usually it’s the same thing all the time. They have been wronged, or lied to, or they are angry at their current love interest’s ex, or they discoverd a race of aliens living in the earth’s core, because honestly, no one really knows what the fuck they are talking about. It just seems that they are poor, lost souls, repeating the same behaviors and being shocked at the same results over and over, and then publicly talking about it while not really talking about it.
A sub subcategory of Vague Posters are the people who constantly post about their various ailments and tribulations. You hear about their insomnia and their migraines and their “invisible battles that no one can see”. Not to make light of those things(well, as far as insomnia goes, if you don’t have some medical reason and are just complaining because you had trouble falling asleep last night, you’ll sleep when you’re tired, shut up already), but posting on Facebook about it constantly only makes people resent you. Everyone is dealing with something, and it just gets them irritated and they feel like they are working through it and you should too. Not that it’s any better to think like that, but see above about the narcissists and egomaniacs. Nearly everyone on social media loves to live with a persecution complex, and the more you talk about your problems, the more they will take it personally. If there is one thing Facebook has taught us, it’s that a lot of people are jerks for a lot of varied and inventive reasons.

DJ’s
These are the people who post music videos all day, everyday. A lot of them seem either bored or drunk. You will get one that at least every other week that will go on a two hour binge of posting 20 songs in a row, with a small incoherent tagline about when they saw this group in concert and Jenny threw up, or how cool they were in as a teen because no one else liked Sonic Youth. A lot of boomers love posting up old songs you’ve heard a million times to point out how bad music is these days. They also love pointing out every obscure birthday or anniversary of any minor incident in music history.
I now find that I am in about 20 Facebook groups or pages that post all kinds of music stuff all day every day. I’m not even sure how I got into most of them, tbh. I’m not really complaining, because if you have to be bombarded by something all day, music isn’t the worst thing. But some days it is overwhelming. I stopped listening to the radio years ago because I never wanted to hear Freebird again, but now I apparently have to watch people listening to Freebird on YouTube, which is pretty surreal.

Political Experts
It used to be that no one cared that much about politics. Even if you did, it was advised you shy away from it in general conversation because it led to arguments. Now on Facebook you have people who share 40 political things a day. Not that there's anything wrong with being engaged, but when you saturate your audience with so much stuff, you overwhelm them and dilute your message. It’s the same with animal abuse, post too many pictures of dead puppies, people get discouraged. Politics is about choosing your battles and knowing you can’t win all of them.
You wind up with a bunch of people who just turn off completely to politics, although most of them are using Facebook as an excuse. They were never involved in the process anyway. You’re not really going to change people’s minds on Facebook, you’re mainly preaching to the choir, which is what political discourse has devolved into these days. I guess this part wasn’t very funny, sorry.

You have a whole bunch of other types of Facebookers. The Internet Police, who tell you how you aren’t using Facebook correctly, the Holy Rollers who share nothing but stuff about Jesus and how he will help some cancer kid if you only share this post! You have the New Age Hippies and their holistic witchcraftery and alternative health news and diet tips. You have the Meme Shitposters that fill your feed with any meme they find remotely funny, and a good percentage that they don’t even understand, they just don’t want people to think that they don’t get it. The Super Needy people who want everyone to love them no matter what. The Flouncers who repeatedly post about how they need to take a break or get off social media, then are back a day later. The Drunks, who post rambling and angry messages at two in the morning, only to remove them when they wake up and issue apologies if merited. You have a whole bunch of people who are on social media only to point out how lame social media is and how much better they are than the people who are on it posting regularly.
Essentially, you just have a bunch of people, like in everything else in life. Some are quirky, some just have some different views or reality than yours, and a lot of them are just assholes. Facebook just brings them all together in one place, and alphabetizes them so you can adjust your exposure to them accordingly. You can really find out a lot of information about what many of the people you’ve known for decades really think, and how much more they horrify you now than they did when you only saw them at a backyard cookout or a bar twice a year. They feel comfortable showing who they really are because no one is standing directly in front of them to punch them in the face. Instead of one on one, they are just typing on a keyboard, and they will always find some other person who agrees with their shitty comments, so they feel justified.
Facebook is like anything having to do with the internet, it is simultaneously the greatest and worst thing to ever happen to humanity. It has forced us to look at people, warts and all, and also confront a lot of unpleasant truths about our country and ourselves. Just kidding, we will all always remain oblivious about ourselves! That’s one of the really absurd things about Facebook. We somehow have a written record of everything we are and we believe in laid out in front of us like some shitty employee review, but we just gloss over the parts we don’t want to see and post more cat videos. For instance, I’m probably half the categories I described earlier, but hey, what are you gonna do? Facebook is a tool, but it is a tool to enable, to create a bubble, to make you feel important and self righteous. That’s why I’m giving it a 10 out of 10 for this review, but honestly, it’s a fucking shitshow that really deserves a zero.