Product Review: English Muffins

 

Product review: English Muffins
      English muffins are another one of those things that seemed worldly and fancy back in the day, and by back in the day, I mean … I don’t know, the ‘70’s maybe? Back when you had to actually use a fork to split them. That’s right, you lazy millennials, nobody was at the factory presplitting your muffins. That sounds gross, now that I read it back. But I remember as a kid that they seemed like some sort of treat, I guess. You know, better than plain old toast, but not nearly as good as some pastry.
      As a kid, I would put butter and jelly on them, so now that I think back on it, I have to figure it wasn’t that much of a treat if I had to slather it with jelly to make it palatable. Of course, now that I think about it, growing up I put jelly or butter on everything, including everyday, run-of-the-mill toast. Sometimes I would put cinnamon on toast, and the cinnamon was mixed with sugar because just adding cinnamon wasn’t enough. If we were really lucky, we would toast some raisin bread. Even raisin bread didn’t seem fancy like English muffins, though.
      Alas, those were the crazy and innocent days of childhood. As an adult, I just eat toast. Some butter, but that’s it. I suppose that people might still put jelly on toast, because whenever you go to a diner, there are those little plastic packages of jelly that look like they’ve been there forever. I have never seen anyone use them.
      I can’t remember the last time I had raisin bread, or even had cinnamon in the house. I suppose that it’s possible that I have a container of what once was cinnamon in my kitchen cabinets along with the rest of my spices, but it would have to be decades old by now. Apparently, that is when childhood dies; when you no longer bother stocking your pantry with cinnamon. I know what you’re thinking, plenty of people, even you, bake pies and pastries, or make some weird warm beverages that are probably more old world than English muffins and contain strange spices not used since the days that middle eastern caravans distributed the goods of distant traders. Fucking hipsters. Get a life, Frasier.
      None of that really has to do with English muffins, and that’s my fault. I have a hard time sticking to the original premise, even a fake premise I made up, just so I can gripe about English muffins. One thing is certain, though: By the time this is finished, I will have typed the words “English muffins” more than someone in the intake office on the docks where English muffins land after their sea voyage from across the pond.
      Okay, after a quick peek at Wikipedia, it turns out that Thomas’ brand English muffins was founded in America, so my romantic notion of seagoing men in freighters, sails filled with the Atlantic trade winds, transporting their cargo of freshly baked muffins to the New World is wishful thinking. Further examination reveals that Thomas’ is now owned by Bimbo Bakeries, which is fitting, because English muffin seems like something you would call some British tart. By tart, I mean lady of ill-repute, not the pastry. Damn, are all baked goods synonymous with whores?
      At any rate, Thomas’ is the go-to muffin brand here in America. I should point out that English muffins are not really muffins. Muffins are big and sugary and have blueberries or chocolate chips, or if you’re old, bran in them. They are delightful. They are not bland, flat, round pieces of bread. Why they call them muffins, I will never know. I think it has something to do with how British people call fries “chips,” potato chips “crisps,” and cookies “biscuits.” That something is that British people are stuck up, contrarian, and gross. You won’t believe what they call vaginas.
       Okay, you people need to calm down. They call them “fannies,” which sounds like the name of some Whitechapel tart, or English muffin, if you will, who was one of Jack The Ripper’s victims. Okay, I just checked, and one of them was named Annie, so I was close.
       Anywho, English muffins are famous for their nooks and crannies, and now that I think about it, Nook And Cranny sounds like a pair of Victorian detectives you would see in a PBS mystery series from the BBC. Perhaps they would be trying to catch Jack The Ripper.
      “‘Ello there, Nook,” Cranny would say. “Heard there was a spot of trouble over in Whitechapel last night.”
       “That’s right, Cranny. Seems some tart let her muffin get ‘er in a bit of a jam.”
        “Let’s go check it out, and speaking of jam, on the way we can stop off for some chips or crisps, or maybe have some biscuits with our tea, which doesn’t always mean actual tea, but instead means dinner, or perhaps a light meal before dinner.”
       “Oi, Cranny, that sounds like a load of bollocks!”
       “Oh, nook, we don’t have time to get into everything that bollocks could mean. There’s a murderer afoot!”
       Okay, I got carried away there. Back to the famous nooks and crannies. I'm older now,and I know enough about bread to know that those nooks and crannies are caused by bubbles in the dough. Those bubbles in turn are caused by bacteria breathing and probably farting. Doesn’t seem so fancy now, does it?
       I actually tend to eat the generic store brand of English muffins. I usually use them to make my own version of an Egg McMuffin, which is another example of America taking some European bread product and making it awesome, like the Croissan’wich did for the Croissant. I like the store brand, because both halves are equal sizes, and it makes for a better sandwich. I also like them because they are cheaper than that fancy and upper class Thomas’ brand. I don’t really make that much typing up fake product reviews for my Facebook page.
      So that’s it, really. English muffins are okay, and it really doesn’t matter if you buy the fancy ones or the generic ones, unless you’re one of those stuck up people who live at Downton Abbey, and abuse their domestic servants. I don’t really know if that’s what they do, I don’t watch Downton Abbey, or have much knowledge of old timey England, as my little “Nook and Cranny” bit makes painfully obvious.
     That is also why I know nothing of scones. I am assuming that they are different than English muffins, and it seems like they are even fancier, but how the hell should I know? I’m a stupid American who knows that biscuits are not cookies, and a fanny is your ass. Perhaps if any of my British friends can help me out with all this, and more importantly, pass along my Nook And Cranny treatment to someone at the BBC,I would be much obliged.
     Also, a crumpet sounds like the thing they already call a fanny.