Reviews You Don't Need

Product review: Generic brand toilet paper. The first thing you want to ask yourself is: should I really be pinching pennies when it comes to toilet paper? After all, it is pretty much the only thing that comes between your hand and your asshole. Yes, I know some of you might disagree with that, but you live a much more daring life than I do. You wonder if it’s soft enough, strong enough, if it will gently cleanse you in a way befitting of your station in life. That’s a lot to put on something you are going to use to wipe your ass. Let’s face it, most of civilization got by just fine without toilet paper throughout its history. Sure, there may have been some scabies and pink eye along the way, but for the most part people could live a perfectly happy life using leaves and bark or animal hide or the Saturday Evening Post to clean up after pooping. Sure, they probably only lived into their early thirties before indentured servitude or a jaguar attack ended their pitiful existence, but th...

Product review: pet rabbit. First off, let me state that I love bunnies. Probably in an unhealthy way. Someday I will be like one of those crazy cat ladies you hear about on the news, who died three weeks ago and whose body was found in squalor, half eaten by her 35 cats. Except I'll be with bunnies, and they will not have eaten me, but will have chewed all my clothes and hair, and pooped all over me. Actually, my life is kind of like that now.  We might as well start there. These things poop. A LOT. I mean, they poop more than you did in your early 20’s, when your diet consisted of binge drinking, Taco Bell, Toaster Strudels, and coffee. In fact, 75% of a rabbits life is spent eating and pooping. Pooping and eating. Eating while pooping. Kind of like you did when you lived alone, before a spouse or roommate or societal convention shamed you into not eating on the toilet. No? Just me? Oh well.  Included in that 75% is chewing. It's like eating, but instead of swallowing what t...

Product review: Fruit Of The Loom underwear. First off, let’s get something out of the way right now. “Fruit Of The Loom” is a pretty fucking grandiose name for underwear. Everything about that name has always just sounded bad. The word “fruit” used in conjunction with anything that spends a lot of its time encasing your genitals just rubs me the wrong way. Not to mention the fact that “loom” and “loins” are a little too similar. And no, I’m not repressed in any way, Sigmund Freud. The whole name just sounds creepy and overblown; in an old timey way, but not in a good old timey way. More like in a double-entendre laden title of a weird Victorian sex novel. There used to be a pile of fruit on the label, and I’m not comfortable with pictures of fruit in my underwear. Not to mention, they had a big ad campaign where the fruit was played by actors in fruit costumes on tv. I really don’t need to put a human face on my underwear fruit. Everything about this company is just wrong. Now to the ...

Product review: Store bought cupcakes. Cupcakes are fun for kid’s parties, or to bring to school. Other than that, cupcakes are the universal sign that life is just too much, and you’re giving up. When you’re 85, in a nursing home, and for your birthday, the orderlies bring you a single cupcake with a candle in it, because no one else is coming and they felt that had to do the bare minimum: that’s what cupcakes are for when you’re an adult. They are the face of despair. When you are sad, or had a rough day, you buy yourself some cupcakes to eat at home, alone, in a personal pity party. You don’t want the shame of eating half a cake, only to have it sit there for a couple of more days to elevate your shame until you devour the rest angrily or throw it in the trash. You fool yourself into thinking that you’re just eating a couple of small cupcakes, that’s not so bad, is it?  You are lying to yourself. You can go to a fancy bakery, you can get artisanal cupcakes made by some ancient w...

Product Review: A&W Root Beer Sugar Free Drink Mix. Fuck no! God, what the fuck was I thinking? What thing did I do that I thought I deserved this?! Take a bottle of Diet Root Beer, let it go flat, water it down, then throw it the fuck away, like I should have done with this abomination. Honestly, what was I thinking? Of course, here I am victim blaming. Why would they ever create and sell this disgusting, offensive and vile concoction? They are the ones who perpetrated the violence here, not me. I would write the company and complain, but that would mean I would still remember it existed, so instead I’m going to cut my losses and go drink or do whatever drugs I have to so I can obliterate the memory of this stuff from my brain.

Product Review: I like to spice up my water by adding chemicals to it. I know, I live on the wild side. I have a plethora of powdered drink mixes too. Propel, Orange Crush, some generic store brands, and also Hawaiian Punch. I'm not even going to get into the bogus claims about the Hawaiian heritage of their fruit punch, we don't want to open that can of worms. It is the biggest scandal since Eskimo Pies.  Anywho, I figured I would try out some different flavors, and was intrigued by this "Polar Blast" variation. Well, let me tell you, it was no colder or polarish than any other drink mix. In fact, it tastes pretty much the same as the regular fruit punch flavor, the only difference being that it is blue instead of red.  So let's just see what we're dealing with here. Fruit punch, falsely claiming to be Hawaiian, and somehow purporting to be even more amazing by invoking some vague "polar" properties. Make up your fucking mind. Is the punch better be...