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Product Review: English Muffins

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  Product review: English Muffins       English muffins are another one of those things that seemed worldly and fancy back in the day, and by back in the day, I mean … I don’t know, the ‘70’s maybe? Back when you had to actually use a fork to split them. That’s right, you lazy millennials, nobody was at the factory presplitting your muffins. That sounds gross, now that I read it back. But I remember as a kid that they seemed like some sort of treat, I guess. You know, better than plain old toast, but not nearly as good as some pastry.       As a kid, I would put butter and jelly on them, so now that I think back on it, I have to figure it wasn’t that much of a treat if I had to slather it with jelly to make it palatable. Of course, now that I think about it, growing up I put jelly or butter on everything, including everyday, run-of-the-mill toast. Sometimes I would put cinnamon on toast, and the cinnamon was mixed with sugar because just adding cinnamon wasn’t enough. If we we
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Celeste Frozen Pizza For One

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First off, if you're eating frozen pizza, and you actually consider it pizza, this is not the review for you. The best frozen pizza is still much worse than the worst pizza from a pizza place. To illustrate my point, I will tell you a story. I once had a friend who lived in a bad part of town. Well, it was a good part of town, but the whole town was bad. Not bad in the way you're thinking, though. Most likely, you immediately imagined a ghetto, populated with crack houses, gangs, filled with crime and minorities. You racist fuck! No, this was just a shitty, white trash town in Pennsylvania. The pizza parlor was not going to have a really good pie to begin with, that's understood. The people there still thought that what they got there was real pizza, like people in the south or the midwest, or anywhere that isn't north Jersey or NYC. Don't worry, though. That's the last time I'll mention that. Pizza snobbery does not belong anywhere near a discussion about
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Naps

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Product review: naps Let’s start off by saying that pretty much all sleep is good. Yes, there are night terrors and sleepwalking and waking up with acid reflux in the middle of the night afraid you're having a heart attack, or actually waking up having a heart attack, but none of those is really sleep's fault. Sleep provides a lot of benefits, and is a vital function for a lot of things that keep us healthy and alive. Whatever. Let’s be real, its most important function is to take up a third of our day so we can escape the anxiety and tedium and general waking terror of life. Of course, some people will tell you that's depression talking, but who needs that kind of negativity in your life? Maybe you're the one depressing everyone, mister! Sleep is good, that’s not in question, but a lot of people seem to be obsessed with it. They freak out if they can’t fall asleep right away, they get neurotic if they don’t get exactly 8 hours, they whine and complain because alien
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Facebook

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Facebook is the world's biggest social media site, mostly because it's pretty much legally mandated that you be there. It's hard to even navigate the internet these days without having to link your Facebook account to everything you do, and thank God for that, or you wouldn't feel all the love you get when 50 friends a day send you game invites! Facebook has approximately 76 trillion users. You might think that's impossible, based on world population totals, but it's accurate. When you consider that most people have 5 different fake accounts to spy on exes, people they've blocked, stalkers, general psychos they know, groups they are no longer part of(wink wink), or just to use to link to games so they don't spam their real friends with game invites. Poor, lonely friends. Of course, there's also the accounts people make for their pets, the fake accounts to scam people or advertise sex cams, the cloned accounts, the temporary accounts made while t
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Self Checkout

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Review: self check out. When self checkout stations first started popping up at the grocery store, I was against them. I said things like “are they going to give me a discount for scanning my own groceries?”, or did my best Norma Rae, and complain about how “the man” and machines were taking jobs away from people. Well, as usual, people hurt their cause more than help it. I soon realized that I usually like machines way better than people. I shop for everything I can online, just because I can do it without people gumming up the works. If check out people could do their jobs efficiently and without talking to me, I would still be on their sides. So now, in an effort to avoid any more contact with humanity than is absolutely necessary, I will scan my own groceries in exasperated silence. There are drawbacks. The self check out area is full of the same people that don’t seem to know how to work an ATM or fast food drive through. I used to think that the cashiers at Walmart were the worst
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Blue Diamond Gourmet Almonds

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Product review: Blue Diamond Gourmet Almonds. Nuts are different than when I was a kid. A few decades ago, nuts were things people put out in bowls, and there were accompanying utensils to crack them open and pick the meat out. If you wanted an almond, you had to position it carefully in a hinged nut cracker, hope you didn’t destroy the nut or your fingers in the process, and make a mess. Same with all of them. Pecans, walnuts, hazelnuts, and the really annoying and forgotten nut, the brazil nut. Brazil nuts were the worst. Besides the fact that some people had a really racist and derogatory nickname for them, they were hell to crack open, and frankly, not worth the trouble.  Cashews? Forget about it. Cashews used to be in the upper tier of nuts. You mostly got them when it was time for a fancy party to impress your friends. In fact, they were included in Planters Deluxe Mixed nuts, because sophistication in those days meant buying a can of nuts that had already been shelled. There we
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Fireworks

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Product review: Big assortment of fireworks. First off, let me just say, I loves to blow shit up! Nothing better than spending the two weeks before and the two months after the 4th of July making stuff explode at 1am on a work night. Now, thanks to America and FREEDOM, everybody can buy all kinds of stuff that explodes and makes noise. Yeeeehaaawwww, it’s good to be an American! Nothing says “making America great again” like blowing a little bit of it up! Now I know there are people out there that don’t like fireworks. They complain because their pets get upset, or because some veterans have PTSD or whatever, but screw them! The founding fathers didn’t invent fireworks on the 4th of July just so snowflakes could complain about the noise. That noise is the sound of freedom! It is the sound of liberty! You didn’t hear our ancestors complain about the noise when we fought back the Canadians in the war of 1812! Besides, if you’re a veteran, shouldn’t you be used to explosions? I like war h
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